WEEK 4 DATABASES AND DRAMA

Hello, world!

You might not believe me when I say this, but it is so much more complex than I would have thought to get those simple characters onto a webpage. This week has been a constant struggle for me, and even though we had all of last week to learn about doing basic things on the web, the weekend challenge was incredibly difficult. I didn't even manage to get rackup to work!

This week with the introduction of databases, I spent much of my time moping around about how much I didn't understand what was happening. And to make things more interesting, one of the guys in our cohort was out sick for the whole week so we didn't do our usual thing of pairing with someone new every day. Instead, we broke into two groups, Macs and non-Macs, so the non-Mac people could join forces and tackle their uniquely weird non-Mac issues.

While I felt like my partner and I got a lot done in the actual project, for the first 4 days I felt a horrible sinking feeling. I couldn't seem to wrap my head around anything, and most of the time by the end of the day I literally could not process words. My partner would try repeatedly and patiently to explain things to me and I couldn't make sense of anything. On day 3 and 4 of the week, I cried -- a lot in the privacy of my room and today at our morning standup I almost did again. When it was my turn to talk, I just barely held it together, and I tried to be as honest as possible with our coach and the cohort. I have to say, I partially expected a vibe of unspoken judgment, but instead what I received was overwhelmingly positive. Everyone was so supportive and understanding. It was exactly what I needed, and today was much better as a result of that.

During some downtime, I had a moment to reflect. More and more I realize how large a portion of the difficulties I face come from within. I knew Makers was going to be hard, and I tried to prepare myself for it the best I could. Yet, I catch myself having self-destructive thoughts day after day and I have to wonder, what percentage of this pain comes from my upbringing as a girl? When you're young, you're told again and again by various people (even by people with good intentions) that you're not smart enough, not talented enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, etc. Or sometimes you're not told those things specifically, but something almost as harmful happens and instead of telling you those things directly, people just say "Oh, it's okay, you're a girl" or even worse, a grown woman tells you "I wasn't good at any of that math/science/computer stuff either." You know what? I am SO sick of that. I have spent my whole life limiting my own possibilities with these imaginary boundaries that (as it turns out) don't exist! I am fed up by how much I continue believing those things, regardless of the wonderful accomplishments I have achieved already in this amazing life.

As much as I consider myself a strong person, participating in the Makers program has this way of forcing you to see yourself very clearly. First, when I was introduced to the program, I knew right away that programming was what I wanted to spend my life doing. Now, as we approach week 5, I am knee deep in unfamiliar territory, stuck with my hands tied behind my back sitting in front of a very clean mirror with high magnification. I'm forced to see all these faults I never knew I had and it's really alarming. But what I've taken away from it is, not that I have faults, but that it's a matter of unlearning those self-destructive habits and thoughts to make more room for growth and self-love. I can't continue dedicating so much energy on negativity. It's easier said than done, but at least it can be done -- I see that now. Only then can I really make my 100% count.